Stinks of Desperation
by Repenting Sirens
Summary: In which Kurt is tired of being a virgin and Sebastian is a desperate hermit crab. AU. Sort of crack.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: This is mostly dialogue. AU where Kurt meets Sebastian after Sebastian comes to Ohio for a short visit home, and Kurt decides that he's tired of being a virgin and goes for it with Sebastian. If this has anything that doesn't really comply with canon, then assume that those didn't happen.  
Warning: Age difference (16/28), background sex.

* * *

"Have sex with me."

Sebastian almost spits out his coffee.

"...W-what?"

"I said, have sex with me."

"So I didn't hear wrong..."

"Are we going to or not? Because I can always ask someone else if-" Total lie. Kurt's current romantic options were his iPhone and a mirror.

"NO! Let's do it." Insert smirk here.

"Was that a pun? Because it was awful."

"You know, you're rather feisty for a virgin."

Snort.

"Of course I am. Now, I would invite you back to my house but my dad is there and he would probably break out his shotgun if he saw you."

"That's really encouraging, Kurt. Any other reasons why I should have said no?"

"Shh. You continue that line of thought and you'll end up with frown lines."

"Aw. Worried about me now?"

"No, it's just that it wouldn't do if I lost my virginity to a guy with frown lines. That'd be a travesty."

Cue eye roll here.

"Right. Of course. Anyway, we're obviously going to do this in my hotel room."

"Alright. If we're going to do this we should hurry, Dad wants me home before eight-thirty."

"You still have a curfew? Does your daddy also tuck you in at night?"

"Sixteen years old, remember?"

"Fuck, forgot for a minute. How's it feel to know that you're jailbait and you still managed to score a hot piece of ass like me?

"I feel like one of the Golden Girls. Except that they seem to have better taste than me."

"Ouch. You wound me; and here I was, ready to break out an engagement ring and champagne."

"Of course you were. How exactly would an engagement ring fit in your pocket with all the condoms you keep in there?"

"Guess I would have just gotten rid of the condoms and gone bareback. Not too late to change my mind, you know..."

"You see, I would let you but," draw out the 'but' bit, "getting home with some guy's come in my pants doesn't sound particularly nice."

"I would let you borrow a pair of my pants..."

"That desperate? What, not getting enough from your casualties?"

"When you put it that way, it sounds like I'm killing them or something. And, I'm not desperate, just a bit bored."

"You're killing them with sex, aren't you? Why exactly are you, Mr. Twenty-minute-relationships, bored? Run out of amortentia?"

"No, I did not run out of amortentia, thank you very much. Even if it did exist, I wouldn't need it. I'm bored because Ohio has so few options; it's either fifty and over bears or underage twinks, and most of those twinks aren't worth being labeled a pedophile."

"Is that a roundabout way of complimenting me? If it is, I hope you realize that it's unnecessary; I can tell that you love me whenever you shot me that lusty look."

"Yes, because glaring at someone counts as a lusty look," Eye roll, "brilliant conclusion, Sherlock."

"Oh, I'm not Sherlock, Benedict Cumberbatch is. Honestly Sebastian, do you know anything?"

"I do. I just happen to not care for Cumberbatch."

"...I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that."

"How did we get from sex to Benedict Cumberbatch?"

"It's obvious isn't it? Because I was planning on asking Benedict on Twitter to deflower me."

"He can't do that if I take your virginity first."

"Yes, but you're not really doing anything about it at the moment so I assumed that I could offer myself up to the god that is Benedict Cumberbatch."

"Let's remedy that issue, shall we?"

Sebastian drags Kurt away before he can even answer.

* * *

"Sebastian, you left hickies, you jerk!"

"Hickies are never bad, babe."

"Sixteen, father with a shotgun, have no boyfriend, remember? How the hell do I explain THIS to my dad?!"

"You don't."

"Oh yes, that'll work out excellently. 'Hey Kurt, what happened to your neck?'

'Oh nothing, I just got attacked by a sexy vampire.'"

"I am sexy, aren't I?"

"SEBASTIAN! Stop smirking at your reflection and help me come up with a plan!"

"Relax, Kurt. Just tell him that you have a boyfriend now and he got a bit handsy."

"...I don't have a boyfriend and are you TRYING TO GET ME KILLED?"

"Considering the fact that you've got the best ass in this state, well second best, and I'm 'desperate' as you so put it, you now belong to me; that gives you the right to call me your boyfriend."

"I'm not an object Sebastian; you can't claim me, although my ass is flattered. I'm assuming that your ass in is first place?"

"Obviously. I'm certain that if I had bothered to ask you would have said yes anyway, so I'm just skipping that whole silliness."

"Ugh. You're hopeless."

"No, you're hopeless. You've got an hour until your curfew and I'm pretty sure it takes two to get back to Lima."

"SHIT! Right, forgot. I'll see you some other time?"

"Of course. Meet me at the Lima Bean at four. I'm sure that I'll need caffeine by that point. Mother is so _tiring_."

"M'kay. Bye Sebasti-"

Loud smacking sound.

"SEBASTIAN, SMACKING SOMEONE'S ASS IS NOT A PROPER GOODBYE!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, you _totally_ enjoyed it. Bye Kurt."

"Goodbye, Sebastian."

The door clicks shut as Kurt leaves.

"…He left his underwear here. I wonder if he'd mind if I have it back to him during school hours?"

Sebastian smirked and went back to his mirror.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note**: Okay, so I planned on leaving this as a one-shot but TheCuteLittleAngel's review convinced me to do a sort of follow up. Also, TheCuteLittleAngel & BRH, can I offer you guys love notes or something? Your reviews made me so happy. :)

**Warnings**: More Crack. You have been warned. Anachronism (References to BBC's Sherlock in 2009. I just noticed. *Bashes head into wall* Although, I wasn't off by THAT much.

* * *

"I'm not desperate; Nope, not a bit."

His mirror didn't look very convinced.

He just happened to find Kurt's derrière, _his French was still perfect, thank you very much mamán_, rather appealing.

When he showed up at Kurt's high school the following day, _it was surprising how much youngsters put on their Facebook profile_, he had freshly washed bright blue boxers in his back pocket.

With a casual grace that he shouldn't have had because he had fluorescent blue boxers hanging from his pocket, he strolled into McKinley and headed to the main office.

The school secretary was a beast with an almost mustache and "I-woke-up-this-morning-and-didn't-care-enough-to-brush-my-teeth" breath.

"Excuse me, do you know where Kurt Hummel is?"

The woman didn't look up from her bodice-ripper novel. Pop! The bubblegum she had been chewing blew up and stuck to one of her facial hairs. Lovely.

"Excuse me Ms..." Quick look at the name plaque on her desk, "Ms. Brown. Where can I find Kurt Hummel?" _Emphasis on the 'where'_.

She turns a page.

Sebastian slips her a mint-condition 1934 five-hundred dollar bill. Somewhere in bumfuck cemetery, his Great-Grandpa's cadaver starts to cry worms.

She snatches the bill and shoves it into her bra.

"Glee club. Now get out of my office."

Sebastian hightails it out of there before he has to see any more female parts.

* * *

He doesn't know where the Glee club actually is.

So, he does what he usually does: verbally abuse someone into giving him information.

"Hey, you, jewfro with beaver teeth! Where's the Glee club?"

"I don't see the point of telling y-" Jewfro pauses, "are those bright sky blue boxers hanging out of your pocket?"

"Yes. They belong to Kurt and I'm trying to return them."

"WAIT, VIRGIN ICE QUEEN KURT HUMMEL GAVE YOU HIS UNDERWEAR?" Jewfro's teeth clank together as he excitedly chews through a random piece of wood.

When'd he get the wood?

"He's not really a virgin Ice Queen anymore. He lost that somewhere near the second round."

Jewfro faints.

Fuck his luck.

* * *

This time, he uses the improv method.

The improv method is actually just him running into classrooms and shouting that he's returning Kurt Hummel's underwear.

Mr. Likely-to-suffer-from-male-pattern-baldness-in-the-future glares/shoots envious looks at him.

So far, only two teachers have had nervous breakdowns.

He really needs to brush up his skills if he wants to beat his dad.

* * *

Turns out that ninth time is the charm. (_Who knew that they'd have a singing club in a choir room_?)

"Kurt! I have your girly underwear here and I'm trying to return it!"

The group of teens and a man with a mop glued to his scalp stare at him in shock.

Kurt blushes.

"Um, Kurt, who's the pedophile holding your boxers?"

"That's my boyfriend, Mercedes." Well, _that_ was unnatural shade of red.

Everyone suddenly started to talk.

"How the hell did pasty faced gay kid manage to lure a hot guy into his bed?" – Hispanic girl with a too short skirt.

"We're being invaded by dolphins, Sanny! Does that mean there'll be more rainbow babies?" –blonde girl with a dopey grin and her pinkie linked with short-skirt girl.

"I always expected you to end up with a dapper hobbit for some reason…" – Stuttering Goth Asian. She had lovely highlights, if he did say so himself.

"…" Token _male_ black kid and other Asian.

"KURT, YOU'RE GAY?" – Tall kid.

"MY FATHERS WILL BE CONTACTING THE SCHOOL ABOUT THIS!" – Angry hobbit thing with a stupid cat sweater.

"Wow. Even gay kid managed to score." – Kid with squirrel glued to his head.

"Get your mack on, yo!" – Kid with awful ghetto impression.

Sure, there were other kids who said other stuff but they _didn't really matter_.

"Anyway, Kurt, here's your underwear. I took the liberty of washing them and sowing my name into the side so that everyone knows you're mine."

Kurt shot him an unimpressed look as Sebastian threw his underwear at him.

"Are you leaving now?

"Eh, I decided that since I was nice enough to return your boxers instead of using them as jerking off fodder," hobbit, tall kid and a couple of the others blanched, "that I deserve a reward."

With ease, Sebastian threw Kurt over his shoulder and walked out of the room, the others too shocked to do anything.

Then, Matt Rutherford spoke his first words (in McKinley, at least):

"Mr. Schue, did you just let Kurt leave with a man who's suspiciously reminiscent of Humbert Humbert?"

"I believe I just did Rachel. I believe I just did..."

"Mr. Schue, I'm not–"

"Rachel, I've had one too many shocks today. Leave the whole 'Matt-isn't-mute' thing for tomorrow, okay?"

Matt gave the real Rachel a look. She replied to Mr. Schue with an "okay".

He didn't notice the difference and continued to slam his head into a wall instead.


End file.
